My dearest mom and best friend, Yvonne Geniel Luckau Jackson, passed away from colon cancer when I was 18 years old. It has been 20 years and I now have lived longer without her in my life that I did with her in my life. That makes me realize a few things...first, I'm getting old! Second, time is so precious and passes oh so quickly that we must cherish every moment with our loved ones because we just don't ever know how much time we have with them.
I am so extremely grateful to Mom for the time that she always gave to me and the friendship that we enjoyed together. I have absolutely no negative memories of her (except for the time she slapped my face after I said a swear word...I was about 5 maybe? Obviously, I didn't know what I had said and you can bet that I NEVER said it again!) She was a classy, elegant, funny, kind, loving, intelligent, spiritual woman. Oh that I could raise my children in the same love and spirit that she raised me and my siblings! I can't express how many times I have longed to be able to call her on the phone and ask her "How do I deal with this? What did you do about that? How did you feel about this?" ...and the list could go on forever. I held so much respect for her and never wanted to do anything to displease her. If I did, I don't remember her expressing that feeling at all.
I have often contemplated about the music that I used to listen to as a teenager (80's...the best!) and wonder what she thought about me hearing some of the lyrics to those songs! Did she ever feel concerned? If so, she never expressed it. I think, instead, she chose to offer me other options that would help keep me close to what was right. She gave me my first church music tapes - Michael McLean "Stay With Me" and one by Roger somebody...can't remember the name now...but I loved them and I listed to them and my love for "hip" church music started right there and continues today. I think that she really trusted me, in my spirit and who I really was - and she trusted me to Heavenly Father as well.
Her support in my education was much the same. I never remember her forcing me to do anything or creating any feeling of "you have to get straight A's". If I got a "B" (which I don't remember getting many of anyway) she would ask if I had done my best. If I said I had, then it was enough. I do remember her helping me on occasion with a few projects, but I never felt it was for "her glory"...it wasn't to benefit her need to have a child that excelled - it was just to show her support and desire to help me.
Some of my most cherished and dear memories include her sitting at the piano while I sang Christmas songs (or any song) beside her. I'm sure I took for granted the great talent that she had in her playing - she played very well and seemed like there wasn't anything she couldn't play. I know that my love for music and my talents were nurtured by her during these moments. I also remember going to the Ferrante & Teicher concert at Symphony Hall with our family. They were some of her favorite performers. I was captivated and loved every minute of it! From this and many other like experiences I gained a great appreciation for and love of music.
Playing sports (softball & basketball mostly) with her as my coach or manager or just greatest fan are also some of my greatest memories of her and I together. She signed me up for Bonnet Ball (girl's softball) in the 4th grade and I played through the 9th grade. She taught me everything...we practiced pitching in our backyard as well as throwing and batting. She was the kind of coach that every girl needed - she saw the purpose and lessons available behind the sport and competition and wasn't there just "to win the game". She was also the ward Young Women's Athletic Director for a few years and I thoroughly loved playing basketball with her as the coach. She was there to comfort me through stitches in my lip (I got hit by a softball) torn ligaments in my ankle and broken fingers playing basketball! I know that she made a great impact on many of the Young Women in my ward growing up.
You couldn't ever hope to win a game of Trivial Pursuit with her - she knew it all! She was an avid newspaper reader and was always very well-informed. She loved the history and art, pretty much everything about the American Indians. She played the organ for YEARS in our ward and had an incredible memory. She often reminded us "If you want a friend you have to be a friend." And she loved to spend time at our cabin in Midway, UT.
We found out about her cancer the summer before my Senior year of high school. I had two more years with her. Looking back on that time you would have thought I would have spent my time differently...but I was a busy teenager who was involved in everything from Seminary Council and Vocal Ensemble to Yearbook Staff and Concert Choir. Even during my Freshman year at BYU, I guess it just didn't sink in that my time with my mom was ticking away. I was loving and living the college life and I don't recall taking much time to go home and visit her. I have often wondered what she was thinking then. Was she feeling forgotten, taken for granted, lonely or was she continuing to give of herself as she always had with the desire that I enjoy my season of life that I was currently in? Did she wish me to be home more often? Did she feel I was failing to understand what was ahead and that our time was limited? I just don't know. I was too involved in my own little world to even think about that...something that I have regretted for many years. And when I did spend time with her (the last conversation I had with her was in the hospital) all I could think of to talk about was my current struggle with a boy! I just didn't get it. I'm sorry Mom. I obviously hadn't learned yet from your example of selflessness...and feel that I still struggle to learn this lesson.
On Monday, March 21, 1988, the first day of Spring, near 11:00 p.m. she peacefully left our home and returned to her Eternal Home. I'm sure it was a wonderful, perhaps bittersweet experience for her, but one of the hardest I have ever experienced. But how incredibly grateful I am to her for her example of motherhood, of love, of giving, of caring, of trusting, respecting, encouraging, of nurturing and teaching by example. One of my greatest blessings of life has been to have her for my mother.
I have felt her near me at times...she is probably much closer more often than I realize, watching over me, protecting and guiding me. I know I am eternally her daughter and she yet fulfills her responsibility as a mother to me in many ways. I praise her for her life, for her love, for her example and legacy that she left with me. I wish my children could know their Grandma Yvonne, but I know in time, we will all be reunited and enjoy the blessings of eternal happiness. I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for all that you gave me and were and are to me.
Until we meet again...all my love,
Deanna
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